Letters from 1978...

Sorting through the last of Glen's stuff in the front closet I found two letters I'd written to him in September 1978. We'd just moved to Santa Barbara where I'd attend graduate school. He'd gone to Utah for a hang gliding tournament. The letters jolted my memory about those days long ago. A story idea formed. I think about those days when I was young, in love, and yet lost in a world I couldn't quite understand. So an unexpected find from the past provides the thread for a new short story. And off I go, letting the story unfold.

Letting go to write...

Writing the second part of Dubious Grief - Left Behind - has required me to reorganize the structure for this part of the book. At first my fear of reliving the emotions of being left behind left me unable to write. So I reread the journal sections from March 2009 through August 2010. I did this reluctantly because I knew I'd re-experience those emotions of loss. I persisted. An important insight emerged. The turning point in my ability to move forward, to begin creating a life worth living without Glen, came with my ability to simply "let go." Letting go didn't mean I would forget Glen. It meant I let go of living in the past - living in the memories of my life with Glen. My goal now is to identify those times when I moved out of the past and into a future. Now I write scenes leading to these moments.

Writing about my words...

An interesting week writing. The writing class assignment was to write a description of my memoir in just one sentence. Here is what I wrote: Dubious Grief reflects a journey of loss caused by the death of a loved one, grief at being left behind, and growth through creating a new life. It took several revisions to come up with one sentence, but I think it works. I adapted this from a one paragraph description of the book.

Dubious Grief describes the anguish of losing a loved one to death. Loss begins with the diagnosis of a terminal illness - lung cancer. A year of medical treatment -chemotherapy, radiation, and narcotics to manage pain, leads to the inevitable outcome - physical death. With death comes the realization that the one you love has left you behind. All you want is to be with the one you love. It is not a death wish; you don’t want to be alone, in this world, without him. Dubious grief is not knowing if or when grief will end. Will the longing not to be alone ever end or will it simply exist for the rest of your life. Anger, sorrow, shame, guilt occur. Isolation, withdrawal from the social world happens. In time you reestablish social connections. Each person’s journey through loss, grief, and creation of a new life is different. Eventually you find a way to create a new life.

The exercise helped me hone in on a way to talk about the book.

Magical Dialogue...

I hit a wall with my writing. Stopped when I tried to write the second part of Dubious Grief. The section called "Left Behind." The problem was creating scenes. I had isolated myself from others. I'd moved into my own office at work. No check-in chats with my officemate. I didn't talk with others about my grief. How could I write scenes? I didn't want to write "in my own head" scenes. I needed to figure out a way to get others into my scenes. I wrote "Balloon Talk" (see Dubious Grief page) to explore a way to create dialogue and write a scene depicting my time of isolation.

Waves...

I spent the week frustrated, unable to write much. This week during the memoir writing class we talked about metaphors. Dubious Grief - waves as the primary metaphor. With loss, come the sneaker waves, unseen until I'm simply crushed, not knowing why. Then, moving into grief, I'm aware of the waves but can't get out of the way. I'm paralyzed, only able to hang on tightly . I'm again crushed by the waves. And then, I begin to grow. Aware that the waves are coming, I let go and ride the waves. Now I begin again to write. I know the waves will carry me along.

Write, revise, edit...

This week I brought another piece of writing for critiquing by my memoir writing class. I always learn so much for these critiques of my writing. I reviewed the writing I'd done over the past several weeks and applied the critique comments to what I'd written. Very very helpful. I compiled the 14 revised pieces and will send these out this week to a few folks who've agreed to read my work. The fourteen pieces completed Part I of Dubious Grief. I now turn to writing Part II pieces. Just have to keep writing, revising, and editing. My goal is to self publish early 2013.

Self publishing...

This month the Mid Valley Willamette Writers meeting hosted Tina Boscha who talked about her journey from traditional publishing to self publishing her work. I agree with her that one big advantage to self publishing is that authors get to keep control over their writing. Until recently, very recently in fact, self publishing was stigmatized. Self published books often had poor cover art, less than superior writing, and authors who pursued this publishing path were labeled "losers!" Not so today. With less than a $1,000 investment Tina, an award winning writer, published her first novel. There is no waiting for rejections from agents, publishers that tie up your work for years. Self publishing means you, the author, take charge of the entire process. Host a web site, gather reviews, hire someone to create your cover design and someone to create a custom web theme, buy formatting softwear. You can publish both in paper and e-book. Love the idea of having this option.