From endings to new beginnings

Releasing the last of Glen's ashes at the coast was a watershed event in my writing. (see dubious grief page). I rolled along releasing my words. Part two of my memoir is written. Releasing the ashes, clearing out the final items, letting go transferred into letting my words go too. I will take a break from writing the final part of my memoir while I revise and edit. I'm looking forward to new writing. Spring term I turn my attention back to writing fiction. New words will fill my pages.

Patterns and themes...

This week I made a lot of progress with the second section of my book on grieving. Had to think things through, figure out themes emerging from years one and two following my husband's death. It has been difficult reading my journal entries from this time - stirred up those painful emotions of sorrow, abandonment, loss. I'd already identified many critical scenes, but had not yet figured out the patterns reflected in these scenes - keeping busy, filling the time so I wouldn't feel the pain of loss; meltdowns when I was crippled by my grief; isolation from others to sustain the magical thinking he was not really gone, forever. Next I searched for the ways I overcame these barriers - making changes to my physical environment; reconnecting socially; evoking difficult and painful emotions in a safe environment (through music, dreams); and at last seeking help. I feel empowered to write through my pain, and put the pieces of my grieving puzzle together.

Letters from 1978...

Sorting through the last of Glen's stuff in the front closet I found two letters I'd written to him in September 1978. We'd just moved to Santa Barbara where I'd attend graduate school. He'd gone to Utah for a hang gliding tournament. The letters jolted my memory about those days long ago. A story idea formed. I think about those days when I was young, in love, and yet lost in a world I couldn't quite understand. So an unexpected find from the past provides the thread for a new short story. And off I go, letting the story unfold.

Letting go to write...

Writing the second part of Dubious Grief - Left Behind - has required me to reorganize the structure for this part of the book. At first my fear of reliving the emotions of being left behind left me unable to write. So I reread the journal sections from March 2009 through August 2010. I did this reluctantly because I knew I'd re-experience those emotions of loss. I persisted. An important insight emerged. The turning point in my ability to move forward, to begin creating a life worth living without Glen, came with my ability to simply "let go." Letting go didn't mean I would forget Glen. It meant I let go of living in the past - living in the memories of my life with Glen. My goal now is to identify those times when I moved out of the past and into a future. Now I write scenes leading to these moments.

Writing about my words...

An interesting week writing. The writing class assignment was to write a description of my memoir in just one sentence. Here is what I wrote: Dubious Grief reflects a journey of loss caused by the death of a loved one, grief at being left behind, and growth through creating a new life. It took several revisions to come up with one sentence, but I think it works. I adapted this from a one paragraph description of the book.

Dubious Grief describes the anguish of losing a loved one to death. Loss begins with the diagnosis of a terminal illness - lung cancer. A year of medical treatment -chemotherapy, radiation, and narcotics to manage pain, leads to the inevitable outcome - physical death. With death comes the realization that the one you love has left you behind. All you want is to be with the one you love. It is not a death wish; you don’t want to be alone, in this world, without him. Dubious grief is not knowing if or when grief will end. Will the longing not to be alone ever end or will it simply exist for the rest of your life. Anger, sorrow, shame, guilt occur. Isolation, withdrawal from the social world happens. In time you reestablish social connections. Each person’s journey through loss, grief, and creation of a new life is different. Eventually you find a way to create a new life.

The exercise helped me hone in on a way to talk about the book.